This is the same reason I will not call pet owners "parents" or pets "fur-babies." The book birthing analogy stings less for me, but I suspect that's because it's currently your day job and not mine (I'm a veterinarian). Before the infertility, the "pet-parent" and "fur-baby" thing seemed off, now I also recoil a little when it gets gushy. I have several really incredible critters that I'm pretty close to and will mourn deeply someday when they're gone, but I still want children and they are not that. As much as I hate that either of us has reason to notice this at all, I really appreciate you sharing this.
I hope that doesn’t make you sad if you have pets. I think there are piece of this everywhere, it’s just the ones close to us sitting in our own wheelhouse that feel more personal. <3
Thank you Ariel! As you so aptly said, all metaphors do have their limit, and this is a perfect example. I had the opportunity to have Ariel edit my book, One Yes at a Time: How Open Adoption Transformed our Family. Her talent enhanced my book because of this kind of thinking. My book is about infertility, but mainly the process we took to adopt our children. I appreciate Ariel's honesty about how traumatic it is to separate a baby from its biological parent, even if the end result might be the best for the child. None of this is easy and it's pieces like this that help us realize we need to look at all perspectives, dig a little deeper, and realize that everything is a process. The birth of a book and a baby are extraordinary accomplishments and one can be willed and the other can't. You do get it Ariel.
This is spot on! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I have never liked the idea of a book baby either and I am sure going through infertility has to do with it.
Bravo on being so articulate and poignant with a topic so vulnerable. I 100% agree with your take—even as someone who didn't yearn for kids and took biological children off the table for my wife who wanted one.
Beautifully written, as always. I needed a thoughtful little rant about stupid stuff people say this morning. 😂🤗 I totally agree. Before you even got to that point in this essay I was thinking it’s about control. Even as a mom with a baby I’ve lost so much control over my body and future family planning as a result of the way my son’s birth went. I could hypothetically go against medical advice but that feels very different than choosing a different way to publish. (And has no guarantees.) This also came at an interesting time for me because family planning choices cannot change as much but book publishing choices can. So, in my crazy pregnancy/birth it was the book that had to wait—not the baby.
This is a beautiful and balanced essay with an important perspective. Thank you, Ariel! And I agree -- I think the "book baby" metaphor is trite, insensitive, and overused.
That’s a good point about the choice and hard work we can put into publishing a book that just doesn’t translate to fertility and conception, as hard as some people try. That feels very unfair and I hold space for the grief that brings. The metaphor of “book baby” does have limits and may be meaningful for some people but deeply painful for others. Thanks for sharing.
This is so good and important. I’ve always resisted that metaphor as well. Although, ironically, recently I said how much I liked to act as a midwife for books and authors, so I guess I did it myself. I won’t again. Thank you for this honest, moving piece.
I appreciate this. Your perspective is honest and real and relatable. It's hard for me to say this, because I have 5 kids now, but I struggled mightily with infertility before conceiving the first 3 of them. I feel what you're saying here: it's been my reality, too.
People (usually) mean well with these types of metaphors or platitudes, but they're deeply painful. I've learned we have to tread carefully around the issues of fertility and reproduction, because we don't know what someone has gone through and grieved.
I hadn't thought about this concept of birthing a book to be hurtful until your article today, so thank you for that. I don't use that language when I'm discussing my process, but I've never contested it, either.
What struck me the most is that you mentioned a person can choose to write a book but cannot control whether she becomes a biological mother. So much truth there.
Thank you, Ariel. I wish you the best in all of this. It's so hard, I know. I know it's an ache of the heart that can't be ameliorated.
This is the same reason I will not call pet owners "parents" or pets "fur-babies." The book birthing analogy stings less for me, but I suspect that's because it's currently your day job and not mine (I'm a veterinarian). Before the infertility, the "pet-parent" and "fur-baby" thing seemed off, now I also recoil a little when it gets gushy. I have several really incredible critters that I'm pretty close to and will mourn deeply someday when they're gone, but I still want children and they are not that. As much as I hate that either of us has reason to notice this at all, I really appreciate you sharing this.
Oh Darla, that's such a good point!! I never thought of that - but yes, you're right; our pets are not our babies either. Thank you for sharing this.
I hope that doesn’t make you sad if you have pets. I think there are piece of this everywhere, it’s just the ones close to us sitting in our own wheelhouse that feel more personal. <3
Thank you Ariel! As you so aptly said, all metaphors do have their limit, and this is a perfect example. I had the opportunity to have Ariel edit my book, One Yes at a Time: How Open Adoption Transformed our Family. Her talent enhanced my book because of this kind of thinking. My book is about infertility, but mainly the process we took to adopt our children. I appreciate Ariel's honesty about how traumatic it is to separate a baby from its biological parent, even if the end result might be the best for the child. None of this is easy and it's pieces like this that help us realize we need to look at all perspectives, dig a little deeper, and realize that everything is a process. The birth of a book and a baby are extraordinary accomplishments and one can be willed and the other can't. You do get it Ariel.
This is spot on! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I have never liked the idea of a book baby either and I am sure going through infertility has to do with it.
Bravo on being so articulate and poignant with a topic so vulnerable. I 100% agree with your take—even as someone who didn't yearn for kids and took biological children off the table for my wife who wanted one.
As someone who birthed many books before having a miracle rainbow baby six years after a miscarriage I completely understand your sentiments.
Beautifully written, as always. I needed a thoughtful little rant about stupid stuff people say this morning. 😂🤗 I totally agree. Before you even got to that point in this essay I was thinking it’s about control. Even as a mom with a baby I’ve lost so much control over my body and future family planning as a result of the way my son’s birth went. I could hypothetically go against medical advice but that feels very different than choosing a different way to publish. (And has no guarantees.) This also came at an interesting time for me because family planning choices cannot change as much but book publishing choices can. So, in my crazy pregnancy/birth it was the book that had to wait—not the baby.
This is a beautiful and balanced essay with an important perspective. Thank you, Ariel! And I agree -- I think the "book baby" metaphor is trite, insensitive, and overused.
That’s a good point about the choice and hard work we can put into publishing a book that just doesn’t translate to fertility and conception, as hard as some people try. That feels very unfair and I hold space for the grief that brings. The metaphor of “book baby” does have limits and may be meaningful for some people but deeply painful for others. Thanks for sharing.
This is so good and important. I’ve always resisted that metaphor as well. Although, ironically, recently I said how much I liked to act as a midwife for books and authors, so I guess I did it myself. I won’t again. Thank you for this honest, moving piece.
Ariel,
I appreciate this. Your perspective is honest and real and relatable. It's hard for me to say this, because I have 5 kids now, but I struggled mightily with infertility before conceiving the first 3 of them. I feel what you're saying here: it's been my reality, too.
People (usually) mean well with these types of metaphors or platitudes, but they're deeply painful. I've learned we have to tread carefully around the issues of fertility and reproduction, because we don't know what someone has gone through and grieved.
I hadn't thought about this concept of birthing a book to be hurtful until your article today, so thank you for that. I don't use that language when I'm discussing my process, but I've never contested it, either.
What struck me the most is that you mentioned a person can choose to write a book but cannot control whether she becomes a biological mother. So much truth there.
Thank you, Ariel. I wish you the best in all of this. It's so hard, I know. I know it's an ache of the heart that can't be ameliorated.