The Great Unsubscribe Week 3
Take Back Your Time
How are you feeling after a couple weeks of unsubscribing from the unnecessary things in your digital life?
Usually, I devote the first 60-90 minutes of my day to going through emails, planning my day. Now I find myself feeling a little bit adrift during that time. On Monday, it took me about 20 minutes to go through the legitimate emails that came in the previous night and to read the Morning Brew, which is my favorite newsletter and always takes a hot minute to read. And then I thought, Now what? That’s it? I guess I better start writing my newsletter!
And that’s exactly what I wanted to happen when I started this unsubscribing journey. More time for deep work. Less time wasted on things that are holding me back, whether or not I realize it.
I’m feeling lighter and freer, and that’s got me thinking…
What does it mean to subscribe to something?
I went to Merriam-Webster for some help. Here is a summary of the various definitions of this verb:
To receive access to a regularly delivered periodical, product, or service
To sign in consent/endorsement of something
To feel favorably toward
Obviously, this series has so far mostly been focused on that first definition, taking a look at all of the things we wittingly or unwittingly signed up to receive that don’t actually offer us value.
But let’s think about the other definitions as we turn our attention to regaining one of our most precious possessions: our time for writing. Let me give you a snapshot of the time problem from my own life.
[You might recognize the following headings as part of a transformation tale. Try copying the headings into a document or your journal, and follow this format to figure out your own transformation tale for getting back your time and unsubscribing from unhelpful scripts. :) ]
What I want:
Large blocks (like 4 hours or 8 hours) of uninterrupted time so that I can do the deep thinking required for good writing, and so that I can hone my writing skills. I’d like to spend more of my time writing and less time task-switching between meetings and smaller projects, especially as the bulk of my income is coming from ghostwriting now. Plus, I have my own fun writing projects I want to tackle!
The problem:
I have a clash of competing priorities that all feel urgent and important:
I have a 10-month-old foster baby who legitimately needs lots of attention and support. And I want to give it to her!
I have a lot of work to do. Always. And clients/agencies always want the work they’re paying me to do to be delivered as quickly as possible. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s the nature of the job, and publishing in general.
I have to have lots of meetings with people. There are prospective client calls, current client calls, project management calls with agencies, networking calls, and podcast recording calls, just to name a few. I have struggled all year to keep my meetings under control and protect large blocks of time for writing. Before we started fostering, I saved deep work and writing for the weekends because I knew I wouldn’t have any meetings. But that doesn’t happen now that we have a baby at home during that time. So I have to make time for writing during the week.
I also have writing goals of my own that I want to dedicate more time to.
And we have a house that needs to be cleaned and managed. Keeping up with dishes and laundry in particular has been a constant struggle since baby came along. And since she is learning to crawl, I cannot help but notice how dirty the floor gets with two dogs and a cat running around. Must vacuum more!
This is the definition of a sticky problem—it is urgent, meaning it has a regular cost in my life; it is weighty, meaning it has a high emotional load; it is complex, meaning it is not easily solved; and it is relevant, meaning it matters to me right now.
What’s really going on (aka what I’ve been subscribing to):
When it comes to our time, we aren’t receiving a service from this problem and it’s not exactly favorable that we have it, so that makes me wonder about the second definition of “subscribe”: What have I been consciously or unconsciously endorsing or consenting to when it comes to how my time is used?
Yes, I do have a lot of urgent and important things that all need to happen. But if I’m being honest, there are some mindsets I’ve been subscribing to that are making it harder for all of those needs to be met. These are the unspoken scripts that have been getting in the way of all of these priorities, and making me miserable in the meantime. Without meaning to, I’ve been subconsciously co-signing on the following beliefs that are holding me back:
Doing something well means doing it all, all the time.
I alone am responsible for getting all of the things done.
Asking for help is embarrassing and awkward, and therefore should be avoided.
My personal life/health/work goals should always come after client work.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
How it’s making me feel:
Exhausted
Anxious
Never good enough
Alone
Used/taken advantage of
Stuck, like I can’t keep growing or accomplishing my goals
What to do about it:
Clearly, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution here. I can only get the transformation I’m hoping for if I not only take practical actions, but also start to address the underlying scripts.
Remember the Ground Rule in our unsubscribing series: Do what you need to do, and don’t feel guilty about it.
The practical fixes:
Daycare. I think this is important to be honest about. Yes, I feel some guilt sending our child to daycare every day. But it is truly the only way I’ve been able to continue getting work done. I think one of the benefits of becoming a mom in my mid-30s is that I feel less resistance to asking for help than I would have if I’d started having kids seven years ago (although I still feel some resistance). At daycare, she gets consistent attention from trauma-informed educators who care for her. It’s not perfect, but it is pretty good. It also means when she’s home with us, we can give her more of our attention without incomplete work hanging over our heads.
Stricter settings in Calendly & Google Appointments. These tools allow you to set parameters around what days and hours you accept meetings, the number of appointments that get scheduled per day, how much time you have between meetings, and where those meetings happen. I was using some of these settings throughout the year. Now I’m using all of them.
Hiring subcontractors. I recently started subcontracting a super-talented fellow ghostwriter and editor to help me with some of my personal projects. It’s a win-win-win for us and my authors, and I love getting the opportunity to mentor her and help her career as well!
Working away from home. As much as I love rolling out of bed to work and not showering until noon sometimes, I recently had to be honest with myself that I get more work done when I can’t see the stack of dishes in the sink or hear the washing machine singing that it’s time to move things to the dryer. I’m doing more work at my local coffee shop now so that I can concentrate without interruptions.
Saying yes to offers of help from neighbors and church friends. We are so fortunate to have friends and community nearby who have offered to help us as we adjust to life with a baby. Many people have offered free babysitting and meals for us. Since cooking is one of those things that always feels last-priority, we said yes to meals (and some free babysitting on days when we couldn’t send the baby to daycare!). It has made a MASSIVE difference for us. Not having to worry about cooking, even just one or two days a week, has been huge.
Not responding to non-urgent emails right away. I really hate doing this, because I have always prided myself on responding to emails quickly, but I receive a lot of emails that just don’t need to be handled right away, and I’m starting to be ok with saving those for a later time when I don’t have writing I need to do.
Facing the Deep, Dark Ish:
The practical steps are a good start, but they’re not enough. Without addressing the underlying mindsets and internal scripts I’ve been telling myself, I’m going to find myself in the same predicament again.
I’m not a psychologist, so please take the following examples as my own personal attempt to make progress in unsubscribing from these unhelpful scripts, and feel free to use them as inspiration for your own.
Practice presence. We’re pretty good about not being on our phones when we’re with the baby—because we don’t want to expose her to too much screen time at her age, but also because we want to be fully present with her. I need to bring this into other areas of my life as well so that I can maximize the time I get to think and do deep work.
Get enough sleep. I need lots of sleep, and unfortunately I rarely get it. Even before I had a little person to worry about, good sleep was highly coveted. Now it’s more precious than ever.
Journal again. I am used to journaling almost every day, and I have journaled a grand total of ONCE since baby joined us. I know it needs to happen more, because this is one of the best ways I find clarity in my life. And I have lots to say that I haven’t been able to say lately.
Be honest with my husband about how I’m feeling. My hubby has the most power and opportunity to step in and help me—and he does! I just have to be willing to ask/let him know that I need help.
Be honest and vulnerable about needing help. There have been a few times when someone has asked if we need help, and my brain thought, “Omg YES!” but my mouth said, “No, we’re doing great! Thanks so much for offering!” Ugh. What would happen if, when someone asks if we need something, I tell them, “I feel really awkward for saying this, but we really do need help with X.” Would they run away? Or would it lead to a deeper relationship with that person?
Remember that my home is full of love. Growing up, I had a good friend whose house was always a mess—and I absolutely LOVED being there. His mom did such a good job of making everyone feel welcomed and comfortable; the true essence of mi casa es su casa. I remember thinking when I was younger that I wanted to do that, to create a homey environment even if it meant my house wasn’t clean. And now I realize, this is my chance to do that. Instead of fixating on all of the things in my house that aren’t done, I want to focus on the most important thing: making our home a safe, loving place for our baby and future foster kiddos. Even if it’s not always clean.
These ideas look nice on the page, but I’m telling you: unsubscribing from this shit is hard. I have cried no less than three times writing this piece. I subscribed wholesale to some darkness, especially regarding my ability to ask for help, my expectations for my house, and my role as both primary earner and woman/wife/mom in our household. And it’s impacting my time and my writing. I have some deep thoughts about all of these, but that’ll have to be another post for another day.
Obviously, unsubscribing from all of that ish is going to take a while. And it’s scary. I almost deleted half of this post because I thought, “This is too much. This series is supposed to be easy and practical!”
And unsubscribing from the things we’ve unconsciously endorsed/cosigned is anything but.
What strikes me about unsubscribing is that it’s exactly what we want to do… We realize that there’s too much stuff crowding out the good things in our lives. And yet, creating space means opening up room to confront our demons. And that’s terrifying. So what do we do? We start subscribing to things again so that we don’t have to face those. And the cycle continues.
If you’re feeling the feels about all of this, let me know. What are you subscribing to, especially when it comes to your time? What practical steps do you want to take? And what invisible scripts are you letting go of?
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What’s Bringing Me Joy
My parents arrive in ONE WEEK, and it’s been nearly a year since I’ve seen them. A year of immense changes in my life. And frankly, I’ve longed for a hug from my parents more times than I can count. Next Friday, I’m going to get it.
Wishing you joy and a good hug,
Ariel
Love your honesty and vulnerability here. It's in exploring those truths that we're able to get clear on--and ask for--what we really need!